Death and my emotional state.

[cerulean_sky]

So, for the first time in my life someone I know has died. Or at least, someone I knew and was relatively close to. My grandmother's best friend, and like an aunt to me, passed away in her sleep the night before last. She had cancer, and the last year or so has been pretty bad, and everyone is a little relieved that it was an easy death with no trauma and not too much pain.

But I have to wonder why I'm not emotional about this.

Sure, I'm going to miss her. I loved her. She was great. But I'm not feeling a great sense of loss or anything. I'm not close to tears. Nothing. I heard the news last night, I accepted it. Done.

Which leads me to wonder about my emotional state. Sure, I tell people all the time that I'm heartless. And for intents and purposes, it's true. Being "heartless" and unfeeling is just a way not to feel any pain. I know, everyone is thinking, "But then you don't feel the happiness too," and you're all wrong. I get sad, sure. I just don't feel emotional pain, I think. Which has been, in the past, not an issue. Like the fact that I have a hard time trusting people fully. ( Which isn't to say there aren't people I trust. Hell, there are a whole lot of people I would trust with my life. ) But I don't fee anything over her death. She's just gone. There's nothing I can do.

Well, whatever. I'm sure that was supposed to help me figure something out.

Here are some pictures of Sky from Alpha and Confluence.



Yes, I'm wearing a nice red top, and and spiffy hat. No, I have no idea what I was saying to her, so don't ask. I have no idea what prompted Thomas to take this picture.


Sky, with the art she bought for $35. Ok, I hadn't slept for 24 hours by this time. So no comments on how silly I'm being. I was really happy to get the pictures. And once again, silly Thomas thought it necessary to capture the moment.

For those who want to know, the picture on the left is of a graveyard, and the one on the right is of a japanese sword dancer type girl. Spiffy, ne?

All photography credit goes to Thomas. Because I lacked a camera this year. ( And last, but that's not the point. )

Comments

[ea14spk68weeper.livejournal.com]

... Well, the pics are fecking amusing. *is amused*

In terms of guilt, saddness, loss, etc... well, I don't know. I spent six or seven years of my life not feeling much of anything (besides manic/depressive/mixed episodes, which really don't count as emotion). I still... don't feel so much, you know? I don't really have appropriate reactions. And I sure as hell have a hard time trusting.

And babe? There's a difference between trusting someone with your life and trusting someone.

[cerulean-sky.livejournal.com]

I rather like the second picture, actually. :D

I'm not in so much of a strop at this point. I'm just sort of like, "Well, she's not around anymore. Oh well." Which seems a little cruel now that I type it out, but I can't help what I feel.

[ea14spk68weeper.livejournal.com]

Well, the second picture is fabulous - as is the first, I like that hat. They just amuse me, because you have this fabulous expression on your face.

*nods* I understand how that is. It doesn't sound cruel. Just... I don't know. How you feel.

Hell, I don't feel loss like most people do, either. *shrugs* You know me. *sob**sob**sob* Okay, I'm over it, what's for dinner?

[cerulean-sky.livejournal.com]

That's my friend's hat. It's truly wonderful. I love it. XD The first one, I think I was laughing at her. For something. Or something like that.

Yeah, I feel you. That's how I am generally.

[ea14spk68weeper.livejournal.com]

<3 the hat so much...

*grin* Whoever said that changing was gradual? I seem to undergo all my biggest entirely overnight.

"Um, 'lena? You're kinda not the same person today you were yesterday."

"Oh. ... good to know."

[lskull86.livejournal.com]

Some thoughts (hopefully unoffensive)...

a) Itll prolly hit you later. When My grandmother passed away I was wierd kinda calm for about a week. Then one day I said to my sister something like, "I'm going down to see nona", and suddenly realized she wasnt there. It hit me then.

Then again it may not, it may be that:

b)As you point out, the friend of your grandmothers had been ill for a long time, you had time to prepare for the blow, whether consiously or not.

c)You're not heartless, not unless you've changed more than I can possibly believe since I graduated. You distance yourself sometimes to avoid pain, (as you point out above, "Being 'heartless' and unfeeling is just a way not to feel any pain.") but by that act you prove you're not heartless. After all, there would be no need to distance yourself if you truly didnt feel pain (emotional). I would say more that you're emotionally cautious.

d) You look all over-happy and stuff in that second pic.
::is amused::
good pic though.

[darsabre.livejournal.com]

*hug* on the loss,
and hey, it's ok, we love you anyway on the other bit;)

nice pics, both the onse you posted and the ones you bought.

[introductory.livejournal.com]

Maybe you weren't so upset about it because you'd known for a long time. Maybe you're just good at accepting things. But in any case, I'm sorry. ♥

....Those pictures are so cute. Not silly at all, just really cute.