Death and my emotional state.
Jul. 20th, 2005 10:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cerulean_skySo, for the first time in my life someone I know has died. Or at least, someone I knew and was relatively close to. My grandmother's best friend, and like an aunt to me, passed away in her sleep the night before last. She had cancer, and the last year or so has been pretty bad, and everyone is a little relieved that it was an easy death with no trauma and not too much pain.
But I have to wonder why I'm not emotional about this.
Sure, I'm going to miss her. I loved her. She was great. But I'm not feeling a great sense of loss or anything. I'm not close to tears. Nothing. I heard the news last night, I accepted it. Done.
Which leads me to wonder about my emotional state. Sure, I tell people all the time that I'm heartless. And for intents and purposes, it's true. Being "heartless" and unfeeling is just a way not to feel any pain. I know, everyone is thinking, "But then you don't feel the happiness too," and you're all wrong. I get sad, sure. I just don't feel emotional pain, I think. Which has been, in the past, not an issue. Like the fact that I have a hard time trusting people fully. ( Which isn't to say there aren't people I trust. Hell, there are a whole lot of people I would trust with my life. ) But I don't fee anything over her death. She's just gone. There's nothing I can do.
Well, whatever. I'm sure that was supposed to help me figure something out.
Here are some pictures of Sky from Alpha and Confluence.
Yes, I'm wearing a nice red top, and and spiffy hat. No, I have no idea what I was saying to her, so don't ask. I have no idea what prompted Thomas to take this picture.
Sky, with the art she bought for $35. Ok, I hadn't slept for 24 hours by this time. So no comments on how silly I'm being. I was really happy to get the pictures. And once again, silly Thomas thought it necessary to capture the moment.
For those who want to know, the picture on the left is of a graveyard, and the one on the right is of a japanese sword dancer type girl. Spiffy, ne?
All photography credit goes to Thomas. Because I lacked a camera this year. ( And last, but that's not the point. )
But I have to wonder why I'm not emotional about this.
Sure, I'm going to miss her. I loved her. She was great. But I'm not feeling a great sense of loss or anything. I'm not close to tears. Nothing. I heard the news last night, I accepted it. Done.
Which leads me to wonder about my emotional state. Sure, I tell people all the time that I'm heartless. And for intents and purposes, it's true. Being "heartless" and unfeeling is just a way not to feel any pain. I know, everyone is thinking, "But then you don't feel the happiness too," and you're all wrong. I get sad, sure. I just don't feel emotional pain, I think. Which has been, in the past, not an issue. Like the fact that I have a hard time trusting people fully. ( Which isn't to say there aren't people I trust. Hell, there are a whole lot of people I would trust with my life. ) But I don't fee anything over her death. She's just gone. There's nothing I can do.
Well, whatever. I'm sure that was supposed to help me figure something out.
Here are some pictures of Sky from Alpha and Confluence.
Yes, I'm wearing a nice red top, and and spiffy hat. No, I have no idea what I was saying to her, so don't ask. I have no idea what prompted Thomas to take this picture.
Sky, with the art she bought for $35. Ok, I hadn't slept for 24 hours by this time. So no comments on how silly I'm being. I was really happy to get the pictures. And once again, silly Thomas thought it necessary to capture the moment.
For those who want to know, the picture on the left is of a graveyard, and the one on the right is of a japanese sword dancer type girl. Spiffy, ne?
All photography credit goes to Thomas. Because I lacked a camera this year. ( And last, but that's not the point. )