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May. 14th, 2003 04:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cerulean_skyToday's disscussion:
Friday id the last dance of the year at my school. I'm going because I like to see the people. But I don't dance. I refuse to make a fool out of myself, and therfore do not dance. It's that simple.
I lived in Santa Fe, New Mexico for most of my life. There people dance so much... so differently. I guess you could say they are more wild, or released, but that wouldn't explain it very well. In New York, here, they dance differently.
As much as I would like to say that I don't care about what other people think, that would be a lie. I do. It's probably true that I don't care as much as last year, or even as much as when I started at my new school after moving, but I still care. Or at least I try to manipulate how they see me. In that way I care. It may make a big impact on my life if perhaps they didn't see me as I wished them to see me, but if people started to dislike me then I would care. Even if they were people I had never been "friends" with, just associated with them. Perhaps I am not making any sense.
It is most certainly true that the best time I ever had when dancing was at a party after Necessary Targets, a play by my god-mother, Eve Ensler. It was at the Paramount in Manhattan. I was with my best friend from Santa Fe. We found a little corner where there was a rug, no people, an open window, and we let loose. That is what we did. We danced for three to four hours straight. Just the two of us. It was great. Now it might have been the fact that we were the only people at this party under the age of 17 or 18, that we were able to open up so much. There was no peer pressure. There was no body to make us feel inferior. It was perhaps one of the best nights of my life.
On Friday there is a dance at my school. I will attend, most likely, but I will not dance, again most likely. Perhaps it is because there is peer pressure. Perhaps it is because I will feel inferior. I refuse to make a fool out of myself, even if I am the only one who sees the fool. Perhaps it is because I see these people every goddamned day of my life, that I care what they think. Perhaps there is some other reason, one that I just don't see.
It is true that I can dance a choreographed dance. I can do ballet. I took ballet for four years, and I know enough of that to look somewhat graceful. I could probably ballroom dance with somebody, on the spot. But those all have set steps. And there is yet another reason I do not dance. At a dance there are no set steps, and that is where the door opens and lets the fool in. That is a problem for me. If I do not know what I am "supposed" to be doing, it's harder to do.
Yes there is always the chance that I will surprise you, will let loose, but I guard my actions carefully. Things that I set bounderies on, do not slip past my bounderies. Period. There is always a slim chance though, and those who wish to see if that chance is taken should come to the dance, or perhaps they should spike my drink... Either one.
Taking a walk down memory lane...
There are times in the past when I have danced. Yes, I admit it. Though I will aslo tell you that they were all slow dances (and all involved guys). Some were pleasent, others were... less than. Some of those time were even with guys I liked. And, yes those times were very nice (excluding one.).
And so I leave you with this:
I care what people think, yes. It matters to me. But I can let loose, I have. And perhaps I can learn to in the future.
Friday id the last dance of the year at my school. I'm going because I like to see the people. But I don't dance. I refuse to make a fool out of myself, and therfore do not dance. It's that simple.
I lived in Santa Fe, New Mexico for most of my life. There people dance so much... so differently. I guess you could say they are more wild, or released, but that wouldn't explain it very well. In New York, here, they dance differently.
As much as I would like to say that I don't care about what other people think, that would be a lie. I do. It's probably true that I don't care as much as last year, or even as much as when I started at my new school after moving, but I still care. Or at least I try to manipulate how they see me. In that way I care. It may make a big impact on my life if perhaps they didn't see me as I wished them to see me, but if people started to dislike me then I would care. Even if they were people I had never been "friends" with, just associated with them. Perhaps I am not making any sense.
It is most certainly true that the best time I ever had when dancing was at a party after Necessary Targets, a play by my god-mother, Eve Ensler. It was at the Paramount in Manhattan. I was with my best friend from Santa Fe. We found a little corner where there was a rug, no people, an open window, and we let loose. That is what we did. We danced for three to four hours straight. Just the two of us. It was great. Now it might have been the fact that we were the only people at this party under the age of 17 or 18, that we were able to open up so much. There was no peer pressure. There was no body to make us feel inferior. It was perhaps one of the best nights of my life.
On Friday there is a dance at my school. I will attend, most likely, but I will not dance, again most likely. Perhaps it is because there is peer pressure. Perhaps it is because I will feel inferior. I refuse to make a fool out of myself, even if I am the only one who sees the fool. Perhaps it is because I see these people every goddamned day of my life, that I care what they think. Perhaps there is some other reason, one that I just don't see.
It is true that I can dance a choreographed dance. I can do ballet. I took ballet for four years, and I know enough of that to look somewhat graceful. I could probably ballroom dance with somebody, on the spot. But those all have set steps. And there is yet another reason I do not dance. At a dance there are no set steps, and that is where the door opens and lets the fool in. That is a problem for me. If I do not know what I am "supposed" to be doing, it's harder to do.
Yes there is always the chance that I will surprise you, will let loose, but I guard my actions carefully. Things that I set bounderies on, do not slip past my bounderies. Period. There is always a slim chance though, and those who wish to see if that chance is taken should come to the dance, or perhaps they should spike my drink... Either one.
Taking a walk down memory lane...
There are times in the past when I have danced. Yes, I admit it. Though I will aslo tell you that they were all slow dances (and all involved guys). Some were pleasent, others were... less than. Some of those time were even with guys I liked. And, yes those times were very nice (excluding one.).
And so I leave you with this:
I care what people think, yes. It matters to me. But I can let loose, I have. And perhaps I can learn to in the future.