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It's a dream I had. Can I make it real?
Apr. 3rd, 2004 11:04 pmI realize that it has never been clearer to me what I want to be when I "grow up." And it's been this clear for a little while, but I didn't realize it until just now.
I want to write.
And I think that's why I'm so afraid to fail. This is what I want so badly that I'm willing to write really bad crap just to get the practice, why I nearly cried when the people in my english class voted to not have a free write one day.
And I don't want to fail.
This is silly, I know. And I'll probably throw myself in depression with a vengence, but I can't help it.
Writing is such a key part of me. If I fail... I think I would lose some fundamental part of me. The part that makes me who I am. That's why I am so afraid, why I can't put my writing out there more, apply to contests and things like that. Because I couldn't stand the failure.
I'm willing to work for this. This isn't something I just expect to happen overnight or whatever. I'll do whaever it takes.
At this point, who know? What happens, happens, I suppose.
I'm applying to two summer things.
The first, Alpha, I've already applied to. I sent my story a couple days ago. Tamora Pierce is going to be there, and if I got in, and went there, I would get to meet her and work with her, and learn from her. Which would be cool. This is a week-and-a-half long workshop.
The second, Odyssey, I just found tonight. And it will be harder to get into. I think I'll apply for the sake of applying. (I mean, they are college level, and in the past five years have only had two students under 18. On the other hand, their Writer-in-Residence is George R. R. Martin, who I admire to no end.) This is a six-week program in early summer.
I guess we'll just see right?
And, I know. I didn't really explain what I was trying to say about my insecurities all that well. So I just babbled inchoherently. I'm just afraid of failure. I guess that's what I was trying to say.
And I know. Lots of people like my writing. I know it's not that bad (though there are SO MANY things that could use improving), and I like what I write and how I write. Whatever, right?
I want to write.
And I think that's why I'm so afraid to fail. This is what I want so badly that I'm willing to write really bad crap just to get the practice, why I nearly cried when the people in my english class voted to not have a free write one day.
And I don't want to fail.
This is silly, I know. And I'll probably throw myself in depression with a vengence, but I can't help it.
Writing is such a key part of me. If I fail... I think I would lose some fundamental part of me. The part that makes me who I am. That's why I am so afraid, why I can't put my writing out there more, apply to contests and things like that. Because I couldn't stand the failure.
I'm willing to work for this. This isn't something I just expect to happen overnight or whatever. I'll do whaever it takes.
At this point, who know? What happens, happens, I suppose.
I'm applying to two summer things.
The first, Alpha, I've already applied to. I sent my story a couple days ago. Tamora Pierce is going to be there, and if I got in, and went there, I would get to meet her and work with her, and learn from her. Which would be cool. This is a week-and-a-half long workshop.
The second, Odyssey, I just found tonight. And it will be harder to get into. I think I'll apply for the sake of applying. (I mean, they are college level, and in the past five years have only had two students under 18. On the other hand, their Writer-in-Residence is George R. R. Martin, who I admire to no end.) This is a six-week program in early summer.
I guess we'll just see right?
And, I know. I didn't really explain what I was trying to say about my insecurities all that well. So I just babbled inchoherently. I'm just afraid of failure. I guess that's what I was trying to say.
And I know. Lots of people like my writing. I know it's not that bad (though there are SO MANY things that could use improving), and I like what I write and how I write. Whatever, right?